Ash Wednesday and a Confession

I’ll start with the confession.  It’s only been a couple days but I miss this site.  I miss posting.  I miss Bernadette.  I’ve tried to look elsewhere to start a new blog but it feels like I’m leaving Bernadette behind the same way we walked away and left her little coffin at her burial site.  It’s like she lives on here and I don’t want to lose her again!  I know that probably sounds dumb but it’s my confession.   I contacted Caringbridge to ask if they knew of another non-profit organization like themselves who offer what they do except for grieving families but I haven’t heard back from them yet.  Maybe I’ll try their tec support and ask just how long we can keep this blog up and running.

Ok.  That’s my confession.  Now for Ash Wednesday.  Every year we walk to the front of the church and have ashes smudged onto our foreheads and hear the words, “Remember you are dust and unto dust you shall return.”  Yesterday being the first day of Lent was no different.  On my way up the isle I was doing my best to control my thoughts and hold it together and when I heard those words ….. you are dust and unto dust you shall return….. I almost lost it knowing that one of my own, so close to my heart, was at that moment returning to dust.  It reminded me of the time I went up with Bernadette when she was one year old and they put ashes on her forehead and I was hurt because she was innocent and didn’t need a sign of repentance smudged across her little forehead.    Those words came to life in a whole new way for me last night.  I confess (ah! another one!) that one of my thoughts was ‘and I hope soon’.  I know that’s grief talking but at the same time my heart yearns to be in heaven with Jesus and Bernadette.  Then I think that if I were to die any time soon I’d probably have a few centuries in purgatory before getting to see Jesus and Bernadette so maybe I should just be content to stay here and allow God to work out my salvation in His way so that I can see Bernadette again sooner.